How Could You Ever Have Left Us?
I know I speak for all of Alaska when I say that we want you back. We need you to lead us, Ted. We need you to be there for us.
All of Alaska has sighed in relief now that those bad people in Washington admitted that you are innocent - just as you told us you were - just as we knew all along. Everyone knows that your conviction was a conspiracy against you. I suppose it was the Bush administration's Justice Department, and I suppose the feds would never have pursued you unless they had a totally solid base of evidence, and I guess then it's no surprise that you were indicted by a federal grand jury and then convicted by another jury... but still, it was obviously just an attack on you because of how wonderful you are! Those evil reputation-destroying prosecutors didn't follow the right process in your trial. That's the full proof we need to know you're totally innocent.
I cannot express how happy we all are about dear leader Reudrich's courageous statement today. So-called Senator Begich needs to resign. Everybody knows that he only "beat" you because of that trumped-up attack on your character. Sure I guess you did ask for the trial to go as quickly as possible... but you never could've have been convicted - we know you're totally innocent! Oh and of course none of us paid any attention to those polls that showed Begich leading by a wide margin even before your indictment. It was obviously the conspiracy of those conniving feds that got you out of office. No real Alaskan could have voted against you. No one could ever replace you, Ted. We need you back! - even if it means throwing out that whole little election-thing that happened last fall.
You must know we're also all very glad that dear Governor Palin (bless her heart) has agreed that the usurper Begich should resign after winning that clearly flawed "election." Maybe we can even forgive her for having called for your resignation all those months ago. How could she have done that, anyways? Sometimes it seems Sarah just lacks something... which word am I looking for - consistency? intelligence? Anyways... How could you ever have left us, Ted? People talk about you being "old," but that's totally ridiculous. We all know Alaska can't survive without you. That brings me to what we're all really trying to say: We need you back.
Firstly, let's keep trying to get Begich to resign. That's not his seat in the Senate; it's yours - always will be. But being the vile liberal Democrat he is, it's unlikely that plan will work. That's why we've been considering your options, Ted.
Like Don says, we all think you would be great as the divine leader of the state here at home. That's why we'll be supporting you in 2010 to run for governor.
Yours, with all the love we could ever muster for so great a person leading us for so long a time,
the Alaska Republican Party